Barren
by Charis77
Summary: Camelot needs an heir, but none has arrived. Set between series 4 and series 5.


"There was nothing that could be done, sire."

Arthur stood with his back to Gaius as the physician reported. "How is the queen?" Gaius paused so long Arthur craned his neck back to look at him. Gaius' somber gaze told all. He turned back to the window. "I'm sure you did all you could."

"Perhaps there is another healing technique we can try. I will search for one."

Arthur bit back his reply. He doubted anything could be done after all this time.

"Arthur?"

Arthur turned at Merlin's voice. He met his servant's eyes and the tears there almost undid him.

"Gwen is asking for you."

"Of course." He passed by the physician and servant whose compassion was welcome and distressing at the same time. He made his way to Gwen's chambers, but hesitated to enter. He'd been in this position three times before and dreaded it each time. He knocked gently. The door opened.

"Sire," the mid-wife acknowledged. "Come in."

Arthur entered to see Gwen laying in bed with her back to him.

"I will speak to the queen alone," he instructed lowly.

"Yes, sire," the mid-wife replied, ushering two servant girls out of the room. She shut the door quietly.

Arthur walked slowly towards the bed and paused when he reached the end of it. "Gwen?"

She didn't respond. Arthur closed his eyes and fought the pain threatening his strength. He had to be strong for her.

He moved around the side of the bed until her could see her face. She stared blankly, tear stains streaking down her cheeks. He knelt in front of her and reached out to brush the stains away, then he found her hand and clutched it tightly. He swallowed the hard lump in his throat. "I'm sorry." Such weak words, but they were all he had.

Gwen met his gaze. How he loved her; how he ached for her! Her dark eyes stared and he wanted to read accusation in them if only to give her an answer for why she suffered. He saw guilt instead. She squeezed his hand. " _I'm_ sorry. I'm sorry, Arthur."

Arthur blinked back the tears welling in his eyes. "Don't apologize. This isn't your fault."

Gwen shook her head and began to cry. "It must be."

Arthur cupped her chin in his hands, staring her straight in the face. "No. It's not." He kissed her, then pulled back, resting a hand on her head.

"You're supposed to have an heir," Gwen mumbled.

"I don't care about an heir," Arthur declared vehemently. Gwen shot him a look and he clarified. "I care about you. There's nothing you can do to make this happen and I don't expect you to make it happen. Don't burden yourself with something I'm not asking of you."

"I know you're not," Gwen agreed, "but I want to give you a child."

Arthur closed his eyes. Three years and four children lost. None brought to term. Gaius had tried various treatments, but all failed. He opened his eyes. Gwen looked to him with desperation. "We have many more years together. We'll have a child."

"How can you be sure?" Gwen choked out.

Arthur couldn't be sure, but he couldn't bring himself to tell her so. "Gaius is seeking an answer."

Gwen nodded feebly. Arthur stood, strode to the other side of the bed and slipped in next to her. He enveloped her in his arms until she fell asleep.

* * *

"Arthur? Arthur?"

Arthur sighed from under the stairwell. Merlin. Of course his servant would find him wherever he hid himself. "Here."

Merlin appeared, peeking around at him. "Dinner's ready."

Arthur nodded but didn't budge. Neither did his manservant. Instead, he slid in next to Arthur. He didn't speak, and Arthur hated that more than his rambling. When Merlin was silent, something was wrong.

Arthur bit his lip. The turmoil in his heart wanted to spill out and he knew Merlin would listen to what he couldn't tell Gwen. He took a breath and blew it out slowly. "I sometimes wonder if I've done something wrong to deserve this. If my past failures..."

"You've done nothing wrong," Merlin insisted.

Arthur met his friend's eyes. "Four children. Innocent children." He looked down at his hands. "Sometimes I think that my father's crimes against children, _my_ crimes..."

"You were forgiven," Merlin reminded him.

Yes, the shade had forgiven him. Still, how could he be sure the past didn't haunt the present?

Arthur leaned back, resting his head against the wall. "I understand my father now. How much he and my mother wanted a child."

Merlin didn't speak for a while, then, "You have Gwen and she loves you. You want a child for her more than you."

Arthur turned to Merlin. Sometimes he thought his servant knew him better than he knew himself. Merlin demonstrated some kind of wise insight at times and it always confused Arthur. "Yes," he replied. He shook his head. "Sometimes I imagine her holding a child, kissing his _or her_ cheek, playing with him...I want to see her happy, Merlin."

"She _is_ happy."

"Not now."

"She will be. Just, let time heal her."

Arthur rubbed at his eyes. "Perhaps it's not meant to ever happen."

"Arthur..."

Arthur fixed Merlin with a look that demanded no argument. "I have to consider we won't ever have a child. That it's not to be." Arthur stood and Merlin followed. "And if that's true, then I need to stop seeking it."

Arthur left the stairwell quickly, taking the stairs two steps at a time before the servant could contradict him.

* * *

"Gaius, I need to speak with you."

Merlin looked up from a table filled with bottles he'd been cleaning. Arthur stood in the physician's doorway. Gaius stopped stirring a mixture. "Yes, sire?"

Arthur walked in and Merlin noticed he didn't look his way. "I don't want another cure for Gwen."

"Sire, I apologize if I have been too slow to find..."

"Be truthful, Gaius, is there cure left to try?"

Gaius reluctantly shook his head. "Not that I know of."

"Then I want you to search no more."

"Arthur, we could..."

"No. Thank you for all you've done. There's nothing else you need do." Arthur turned on his heel and left abruptly.

Gaius looked to Merlin. "He's hurting."

"He wants to give Gwen something he can't." Merlin looked suddenly thoughtful.

"No!" Gaius practically shouted.

"What?"

"Do not try to help them."

"But maybe with magic..."

"No." Gaius stalked over to Merlin and sat across from him. "Have you forgotten what happened to Arthur's own mother? The creation of life, Merlin, is something you should never play with...ever."

Merlin bowed his head.

"I know you don't like to listen to me," Gaius said.

Merlin looked up to protest, but Gaius held up a hand silencing his voice.

"Listen to me this time, I beg you. Nothing good would come of your interference. Like it or not, there are some things even _you_ cannot change."

Merlin felt the conflict in his mind. He always wanted to make everything right, but even he had to admit many of his attempts made things go wrong. If he tried and Gwen died, he'd never forgive himself. He'd already contributed to the death of Arthur's father. He wouldn't take his wife as well.

"You're right, Gaius, of course."

"You mean it?"

Merlin met the old man's gaze and spoke sincerely. "I mean it."

Gaius rose and went back to his medicines.

* * *

Merlin slowed when he encountered Gwen standing in the hall, staring out a window. This day was supposed to be her first in court since she'd lost the latest child. He approached until he stood a couple steps away.

"My lady, can I help you?"

Gwen let out a soft laugh. "Stop calling me that, Merlin. It's out of place."

Merlin smiled. "It's proper."

Gwen smiled slowly. "Not when it's just us." Her smile fell as she turned to him.

"Are you alright?" Merlin asked.

Gwen shook her head. "I could lie, but I won't. I'm tired of pretending everything is fine for Arthur."

"You don't have to pretend."

"I know, but I want to make it easier for him."

Merlin nodded in understanding. If Arthur and Gwen could only hear each other when they spoke to him. There was so much love and sacrifice between them.

"How is he _really_? You'd know more than anyone."

"He loves you. He thinks about _you_."

Gwen turned back to the window. "He told me Gaius found no other aid."

"He hasn't, but he could..."

"No. I don't want any more remedies. I don't think I can bear to hope again."

Merlin felt the magic in his spirit stir. He closed his eyes to force its appearance back down. No. He'd promised Gaius he wouldn't try anything.

Gwen suddenly turned and grasped Merlin's arm. "If it's meant to happen, it will. If not, I want to stop grieving all the time. "

"Of course," Merlin assented. She nodded and walked down the hall. Merlin leaned against the windowsill.

"Guinevere." Arthur had appeared at the end of the hall. "I came to see if you were alright."

"Yes, I am," Gwen said.

Arthur rested his hands on her shoulders. "You aren't, but I'll believe it if you ask me to."

Gwen leaned into him and Arthur embraced her. "I love you," Gwen whispered.

Arthur kissed the top of her head. "Come, my queen." He gently pushed her back, took her hand, and left the hall for the throne room.

Merlin gazed into the courtyard below with moist eyes. Why did there have to be something he couldn't make happen? Why was he forced to watch his friends' anguish and be helpless to prevent it? And if he couldn't change this, what else might he be unable to alter?

Merlin wiped at a smear on the window glass, uncomfortable with the truth that even his great skill must be limited and harboring a disturbing thought. Perhaps a day would come when he would be forced to fail Arthur fatally. He shuddered, hoping such a time would never come.


End file.
